The Couple Questionnaire
Officiating a wedding for the first time can be intimidating. Over the years, I have worked with people who had been asked to officiate the ceremony for a friend or family member. The number one piece of advice that I give them is to ask the couple what they want!
You absolutely do not have to start from scratch or a blank page. You don’t have to write a speech. Definitely do NOT center yourself. Yes, you were chosen by the couple but the ceremony is about their relationship to each other (not your relationship to them!). What you are putting together is a ceremonial script, which should be inspired by the couple’s relationship, their personality as individuals, and their values.
When a couple books me to serve as their officiant, I have a conversation with them to understand their general “vibes” as individuals and to see how they operate together. You, as a close friend/family member, already know the vibes so you can proceed directly to my Step 2: the Couple Questionnaire.
This tool has informed the content of every wedding ceremony I have ever written. I hope that it helps you out of that space of overwhelm by providing you with the content that is most important to the couple. Their responses are the clay that you will mold into the shape of a ceremony script.
This is what I recommend - email these questions separately to each partner. I usually send a link to a Google form and provide a deadline for completion, sending at least one reminder a week before I want to start writing the ceremony. You could also schedule separate phone calls if you prefer, but you want to be sure to either record the call or take very thorough notes. The verbiage the couple uses is important to capture. It is also important to gather responses from both partners, not just the one who is doing the bulk of the wedding planning.
You will see from reading the questions below that you will end up with A LOT of information that you can use to determine the tone, content, and general outline of the ceremony. Their responses may provide you with almost all the verbiage you will need to welcome guests, tell their love story, include a reading or two, and facilitate exchanging of vows/rings or any other rituals. You will also have logistical information needed to ensure that that you are on the same page with other wedding vendors, including musicians/DJ’s, coordinators, etc.
Your job is to take their answers and fill in the blanks needed to create a coherent ceremony. See? No blank page. Lots of good and juicy info straight from the horses’ mouths. Good luck! And remember: I’m available for 1:1 officiant coaching if you’d like my support at any point. I’m happy to take a look at the responses you received from your couple and help you put together a one-of-a-kind ceremony.
COUPLE QUESTIONNAIRE
What inspires you?
What are your priorities in life?
Where is your sacred spot, or a place you feel most connected, most at peace, or most inspired?
What is your favorite art form, movie, piece of literature, poem, song, painting, sculpture or dance? What are your favorite songs? Authors? Movies? Poets or poems? Colors?
Why is your wedding day important to you?
What aspect(s) of your personality do you want to come through in your ceremony?
Why did you choose me to officiate your wedding?
How did you two first meet? How did you feel about the other one at that time?
When and where was your first date? What do you remember about it?
When did you first fall in love? (How did you know?)
When did you decide that you wanted to be together long term? Why?
What do you love about your partner? What qualities do you most admire in them?
What actions of your partner’s say “I love you” to you?
Would you like to share any touching, funny or revealing stories about the two of you?
What are your hopes for the future?
Do you have a wedding party (bridesmaids/groomsmen, flower girl, ring bearer)? If so, what is the order of the processional? (if you’re not sure, we can include that later)
Would you like to include a remembrance ceremony to honor anyone who has passed away? Please include names, pronunciation and relationship
Would you like to include any words of thanks to anyone (family members or friends)? If there are specific people you would like thanked, who are they and why are they important to you?
Is there someone you’d like to involve in your ceremony? (doing a reading, participating in a ritual, etc.) If so, who is this person and why are they special?
Are there any readings, prayers, or blessings you know you want to include?
What songs do you have selected for the ceremony? (processional, recessional, etc.)
Are there any special ritual elements that you’d like to include in the ceremony? (i.e. handfasting, wishing stones, sand ceremony, ring warming, food or drink sharing, etc.)
Do you wish to write your own vows? If not, you have other choices! You can repeat the words after me, read the vows from a paper or card, or I can ask you a question to which you’ll respond “I do” or “I will.” Do you have a preference?
Will someone present the rings during the ceremony? If so, who will have the rings?
What are your family’s ethnic, cultural or faith traditions? Would you like to include anything in the ceremony to honor your backgrounds?
Would you like to be formally introduced or presented at the end of the ceremony? If so, how do you want to be presented?
What tone would you like for the ceremony? Intimate, ceremonial, minimal, sacred, warm, solemn, lighthearted, other?
What emotion would you like guests to take away from the ceremony? What vision would you like to resonate with them?
What other vendors are you working with? Photographer, videographer, musician/DJ, planner or venue coordinator? Please provide names & email, in case I need to be in touch with them prior to the ceremony. Thanks!
Is there anything else that you definitely want for your ceremony?
Is there anything else that you definitely DON'T want for your ceremony?